Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Strange
Siri: Retweet me.