Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You Might Also Like
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
In banana years, I am bread.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Had to try this trend 😊
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits