My god she’s good.
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Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
when you are just born a rebel
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
No. He’s not coming out to play
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Noah was an idiot.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.