ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Generation gap…
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.