Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
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Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
$4 #usedbooks
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.