Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.