Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
my dad has had enough
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?