Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Got ya covered
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
He a real one for that
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.