My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
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waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
me and my fake scenarios
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*