i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.