Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.