In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
This hospital has everything
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.