*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
yeah not falling for this one
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.