when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
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10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
This is Sparta
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
🖤✌🏽
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.