I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
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Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off