the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂