me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
You Might Also Like
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.