I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Just as the prophecy foretold
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.