Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”