My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
How animals would run if they were human
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.