Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.