EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
#catsoftwitter
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.