me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I’m crying im so happy for them
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.