*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
incredible text to wake up to
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.