No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.