GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
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Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’M CRYINGGG
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager