Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry