I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”