Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
a fate I wish upon no one
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.