ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.