succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
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Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.