Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Can Happiness buy money?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
SCARY COSTUME
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.