Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
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🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Y’all know who you are.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
crochet youtube is brutal
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Blew out my flip flop…
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.