ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
You Might Also Like
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Admin smashed it 😂
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats