[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Nose
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one