Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.