Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I don’t think my car can fly
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Duolingo getting serious.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.