[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Finally, an instrument I can play!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
58.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win