If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.