Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.