Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.