*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Anime is real
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
you will never know the true number of layers
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing