my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Pretty much! 😂👀
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir