Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.