One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.