ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I enjoy a good short stor
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.