As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Just a friendly reminder!
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Stop.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.