me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool