picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
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me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?