[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating